Lilith Langtree’s – Chaos Magic

TG Fiction – Nothing is True and Everything is Permitted

Archive for September, 2009

Birthday Reflections


September 30th, 2009 Posted 09:18

As with each year of my life, ever since I turned twenty, I reflect on the previous year and measure my life to date. The typical questions are posed: What have I done of which I am proud? Have  I shamed myself this year? Have I made a difference in anyone’s life? Am I anywhere near any of my long term goals? Have I inspired anyone? These and many more.

To me, age brings with it a certain amount of responsibility to ones self and those around them. In my youth I didn’t have a mentor and basically lived a life of undirected turmoil.

*I’ve lived with apathetic parents, who knew something was wrong with me, but chose not to intervene.

I was about 10 or 11. A chest of drawers in my room was the storage place of my mother’s “small” clothes. It was where I began my exploration of my feminine side. One day she came home from work early and I was dressed in hose, skirt, and blouse. I was thoughtful enough to lock my door. (I wasn’t a complete idiot.) But she knocked and I panicked. I stripped away the garments and tossed them into the closet while I donned shorts and a tee.

All this time I was saying, “Just a minute.” I was 10… gimmie a break.

Mom, being the psychic all mothers were, deduced I was doing something that I shouldn’t be doing. So she looked around, gave me the, “What are you doing?” questions when I unlocked the door. She found the discarded clothes on the floor of the clothes and turned to me. “Were you wearing my clothes?”

There was no hiding this, and I was never one to outright lie, so I nodded yes.

The look on her face was damning. Then she turned and walked out of the room. That was it.

A lot of people would think that I got off easy, no punishment, no recriminations, no beatings, no therapy, no lectures. What went through my mind at the time was, “Whew!”

It wasn’t until years later that I realized what it really meant: Apathy. Do what you want, we don’t really care anymore. As long as it doesn’t affect us you are on your own.

I’ve been punished. I wouldn’t call it being beat, but I was was whipped with a wide leather belt on many occasion. I messed up and took my punishment like a good boy because I knew I screwed up. I was never rewarded for anything I had done.

So I wonder if being punished is worse than being ignored. I truly don’t know.

Some people wonder why I rarely give any of my characters in my stories parents. This is probably why. Because they didn’t play a part in my life. As long as I did my homework, did well in school, and didn’t bring negative attention to them then they left me alone.

So here I am, another year older. Being without a mentor of any kind has led me to make a lot of stupid decisions in my life. I was my own teacher, so I made my mistakes and learned from them until I became the person that I am today.

I would probably be a psychiatrist’s wet dream right about now with the things I’ve done and the experiences that I have had. But I persevere.  I dream of things that should have been and what still could be. I distract myself through reading and writing, entering into fantasy worlds to escape the reality of everyday life.

Is it enough? Probably not. But it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’ve come to accept my life as it is. I will never be rich enough to afford to be who I really want and I am too rich to be granted help with my problems. So I deal.

I offer help to those that want it. Sometimes I am able to make a difference. Sometimes I watch as another life goes by in pain or mediocrity. Sometimes I am stabbed in the back by those around me.

I used to believe in karma. That if you really tried to do good for those around you that in turn you will have good done upon you. Instead I see a reversal. Doing good for others tends to make others think you are a spineless sap and are ripe to be taken advantage of.  And yet I still do what’s right, moral, and helpful.

What am I getting at with all of this?

Care about the people around you. Try to do good. Don’t go to extremes with reward or punishment. Just be attentive and make a difference in someone’s life. Examine your life and take from it some measure of hope for the future, no matter how bleak your life has been.

I’ve been to the lowest point anyone could ever go and I have clawed and scraped my way back to some fashion of normalcy. It can be done. All you need is for someone, hopefully you, to hold out their hand and give a small amount of encouragement to someone that needs it. Maybe one day karma will kick in and you’ll get the same hand.

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Extremis Enhancement


September 26th, 2009 Posted 13:54

Nope, still ain’t got nothin’ yet.

I posted what I had of “Royalty” so that people won’t think I’m dead. Had few more ideas, one of which I like a lot.
I haven’t really branched off into the world of Science Fiction as of yet. It just really doesn’t lap up the attention as magic or CD stories do, but …

While browsing around Wikipedia last night I came across: The Extremis Enhancement – modified techno-organic virus that Tony Stark (Iron Man) uses to blah blah blah.

Basically, dude gets shot up with this stuff and it heals him from mortal wounds by rewriting a portion of his brain that holds the “blueprint” of his body. Except it makes improvements on his organs, bones, etc.

Yeah, I know, perfect transformation plot device. I’d need to make it less comicbook’ish, but there it is.

I figure brother and sister scientist team are working on a project for the Department of Defense on something akin to a  Super Solider Formula (something that will make soldiers harder to hurt, easier to heal, stronger faster. If you’ve seen Captain America… well there you go.)

They have gotten to the point where they are about to work on human trials and the sister makes a breakthrough. She takes the serum home to her personal lab because she’s on a roll and doesn’t want to lose valuable time sleeping, etc.

While at home she tailor makes the serum using her own DNA, finishes for the night and leaves it in the lab until the next morning.

Meanwhile, brother went and got himself in a pickle with someone that wants the serum for their own ends, gets shots several times, but makes a get away. He realizes that he’s going to die, but wants to warn his sister so he barely makes it to her home where she pulls his dying body into her lab.

Yep, you guessed it, she injects him with the serum and rewrites his body.

I have different directions to take this from here.

Sorry, nothing new past that. I just wanted to get it down for a future project and to let you know I haven’t forgotten about all of you! I’m really trying.

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